Some will think this a very strange letter to write to your Mum but if I am doing this blog, I have to be true to myself and relay things how they are...................it's not been the easiest thing to do. I wish it could have been a very different one. You know the kind, I could have written one of those I suppose but it wouldn't have been honest and well what's the point in that?
Today I write these words with tremendous sadness.
Sadness not for the person you were but for the person you were not, but could have been, had every opportunity to be.
Sadness because you left this life, without ever having really "lived", tragically we know this because you said so.
Sadness because you just never found any lasting inner peace, joy or contentment in your life.
Time and time again you chose a lonely path and a joyless one. Even when you had so many chances to take another route, you never would or more appropriately never could.
It was heartbreaking for us to see you this way.
Your children, grandchildren and family tried many times over the years to drag you off that troubled path, but no matter what, you seemed compelled to follow it.
When Dad left, it was like any light you had was instantly extinguished, never to be reignited. You lived out the rest of your life in the shadows after that.
You fell into a deep well of despair and you decided that was where you were going to stay.
You were passed a rope on many an occasion but you just refused to climb out. Boy it was frustrating!
Nothing could bring you to the surface, so I can only imagine your despair must have been bottomless and that is so very sad.
How we would have loved to have seen you laugh and smile so much more than you ever did.
Because when you did you ignited hope in all of us - "maybe this time will be different" we would say and our hearts dared to hope once more.
Sadly, those times didn't last long enough and any joviality was quickly suppressed by the darkness you clung to within.
Sometimes you pushed us away so hard that we had to walk away, regroup and find the strength to come back to you again. But we always came back Mum, as best as we could, because you were our Mum, regardless.
Sadly we all ran out of time even though we never ran out of hope. We did our best for you Mum, that I can say, hand on heart from us all, even though you didn't make it easy.
So now I leave you with one last wish; if there is such a thing as reincarnation and you get another go at this life, please come back as the first woman to climb Everest in a womble suit, or the first diver to discover mermaids at the bottom of the ocean or better still the first drunken landlady to open a pub on the moon. (You know me and Pete would be the first to prop up the bar!)
I know that may sound a bit flippant Mum but what I really mean is next time round, please make sure you truly LIVE because you have a lot of catching up to do and it's all we could ever want for you.
Till then, good night sleep tight Mum. You only get one Mum, so we will miss and love you all the same, always.
|Ann Elizabeth Cottam (nee Parker)|
25th January 1939 - 17th July 2012